Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
You Might Also Like
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*