My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
You Might Also Like
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex