Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
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Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers