My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
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me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
This took me a second..
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.