ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
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*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.