me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
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[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.