My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
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me
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.