My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
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The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.