Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
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When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
another case of gang violins
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.