ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
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Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
my mom making me talk to relatives
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes