Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
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*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere