“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
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“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-