If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
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My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.