Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
You Might Also Like
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.