I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
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Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Need this in my life lol
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Born to be mild.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
termite twitter scares me
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.