It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
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him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes