ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
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To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Google assistant rules
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.