Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
You Might Also Like
reviewed some movies recently
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭