Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
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woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Oh the world we live in…
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work