Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
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*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!