The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
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judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
lmao
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
🤣✨#caturday