challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
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It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
inside you are two wolves
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake