Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
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My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.