In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
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Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.