Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
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The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.