There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
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Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”