FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
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Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money