Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
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10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.