Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
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My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Happy weekend !
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that