“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
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Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Breakfast for Stoners:
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Happy weekend !
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.