Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
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I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
S/o to @funTweeters .
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”