Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
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Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
I see your IQ test came back negative
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”