My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
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Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Fat chances are my favorite chances
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.