[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
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in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Not messing around
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Unimpressed
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
How software testing works
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE