I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
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The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip