my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
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[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.