Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
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channeling her this year
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Always the camel, never the toe.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.