DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
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He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.