Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
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*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.