No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
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wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide