Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
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Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
What?!?
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.