When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
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Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.