Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
You Might Also Like
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!