Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
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*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.