Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
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I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
“Wait, let me explain..”
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s