Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
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Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.