lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
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I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Velcrow