What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
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If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
omg leave her alone
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.