Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
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I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Message from the dog groomers
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Pickled cat.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”