*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
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in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Tony Hawk, age 6
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.